What he wrote really struck a nerve with me. Pride? Yes. Lust? Yes. Selfishness? Yes, but jealousy being at the root core of my sin? Had not occurred to me until reading his raw, honest account of discovering the dark, green flow in his own soul.
And so it is here, with me, one of many heavy weights pulling me down. Especially now, today, December 15th 2014. It is the day after what should be a joyous anniversary, with loving exchanges of simple gifts, and and sharing happy smiles and playful glances.
But it's not.
In my late 30's my doctor diagnosed me with mild SAD: seasonal adjustment disorder. From Fall to Spring I tend to fall into a funk. The dark stays longer, temperatures cool, and most of the time I want to get away from everything and curl up in warm bed in a dark corner like a grouchy bear hibernating for the Winter. It's been almost 3 years since my family was torn apart and my yearly struggle made even worse, at times feeling unbearable, and hopeless.
Facebook really adds to the hurt. Every post of pictures, with smiling faces and happy families gathered around food, drinks, and presents just feel like knives digging deep into my back, pushing me down into a thick mire of regret, and bitter.......jealousy.
I long for what other's have, or at least appear to have. I suspect there is an underlying sense of entitlement, somehow I should have and experience what they do. The fact that I'm painfully aware of the lives I've both earned and failed to earn doesn't help at all.
But today on Facebook someone posted a link to a broadcast of "Fresh Air" on NPR about a Punk Rock drummer from D.C. who made a profound and timely connection to ancient Christian (and some Muslim) music in Syria. I found it to be sorrowful and hopeful. Sorrow concerning the tragic fate of communities of faith being systematically uprooted and scattered, if not completely exterminated, and hopeful that God is showering grace and mercy upon them and miracles may await. Although His instrument and servant of love is not armies or governments with treaties or wars, but a Yankee punk rocker on NPR.
I invite you to listen to the whole thing. The first piece of music shared during the interview is a Muslim chant, but there are some examples of what may be the oldest existing Christian songs and chant later in the broadcast.