A Bitter, Insecure Artist

 I am much more picky now about how and who I share my art with.

 In my insecure weakness I resent the assumption that because I'm sharing it I am seeking their approval, advice or critique of it. I get enough of that from the cold, cruel, commercial media market. I don't need more. No, I'm trying to share something I care about with someone I care enough about and trust enough to include in that part of my life.

In my case it is music.  The music itself is worthy of much more than what I give it and reflects back the true results and value of my efforts, but the music is ever worthy.   Not me. Not the audience. Only the music is worthy.

 I have found that true friends rejoice with me and embrace my art with joy and appreciation.

Gilead by Marilynne Robinson

May son asked me to watch a movie with him, "The Road".  I have not read the book, and he read it in high school as part of a reading list.

This was a bitter-sweet, painful movie to watch.  I hope to read the book some day.  The plot really strikes a bit close to home.  Anyone who has read the book and knows me will understand.

It is another post-apocalyptic wasteland story, without zombies, but includes much of the terror and savagery as any "ZombiApocalypse" story.  Turns out the living can be as cruel and evil as the walking dead.

At its core the story is about a man's love for his son and struggling with the sobering task of preparing him for life after his father is gone.

"Gilead" by Marilynne Robinson is another such story, but very different.

Quite a counterbalance.  Much more pleasant.

Here is one of my favorite passages:

"Every single one of us is a little civilization built on the ruins of any number of preceding civilizations, but with our own variant notions of what is beautiful and what is acceptable---which, I hasten to add, we generally do not satisfy and by which we struggle to live. We take fortuitous resemblances among us to be actual likeness, because those around us have also fallen heir to the same customs, trade in the same coin, acknowledge, more of less, the same notions of decency and sanity. But all that really just allows us to coexist with the invoilable, untraversable, and utterly vast spaces between us."

I am a bit amused and perplexed by the many one star reviews on Amazon.

I am a bit amused and perplexed by the many one star reviews on Amazon.

 "..Just not my taste. I know, it has won every prize there is, but I do not get it. Too much talking and thinking. Boring..."

 "...I did not enjoy this book. The life of preachers in America at a time when things were tough does not make for exciting reading"

 "..BORING"

 Guess there's not enough space alien zombie sploddy' flying, shooting, sexing stuff in it for some people.

Those people should read "The Road".

Yet Another Link to Someone Else's Orthodox Related Blog

"Ideology is always first and foremost a retreat from reality, a form of egophanic revolt (to borrow from Eric Voegelin) that often takes a collective form — it is really a subrational, instinctive kind of condoned erasure of persons who resist officially endorse lies, all under cover of humanitarian rhetoric." - brian the commenter Pontifications, Bible Reading, and Stanley Hauerwas

Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.

"In this sense, to be an active part of the world is to employ violence. We do not sit lightly on the surface of our planet. Most human societies across history, have made a moderate peace with the world in which they live, using forms of violence whose consequences have been well-enough tolerated and accounted for so as to be bearable. The rate of change in such societies was modest, and within the limits that a culture could easily accommodate. Large and rapid change is another thing entirely. “Changing the world,” under a variety of slogans, is the essence of the modern project. Modernity is not about how to live rightly in the world, but about how to make the world itself live rightly. The difference could hardly be greater. "

If You're Inquiring Into Orthodoxy

Reasons Why You Should Not Convert To Orthodox Christianity

"For me, the one and only valid, core reason is because a person desires to be part of the one, true Body of Christ. Because we confess and believe in the “one holy, catholic and apostolic Church,” this means we are not looking for a Church that fits our own preferences and ideals, but rather one that teaches us what our preferences should be. We are not seeking to reform or to teach the Church how it should do things, but are rather seeking to be formed by the Church and to learn how we should be doing things as faithful Christians."

RE: Of Kings and Things and What Matters

 "Most people want to get on with their lives, raise their kids, go to work and such. The distractions of those with “power” have to constantly be sold to them. Modernity represents the rise of advertising and the art of persuasion. If all of the noise were to shut down for a little while, we might discover we could live without it. Wars have to be sold. Hate is often manufactured. And, of course, these things are done for profit. There must be “problems” and “problems” must be magnified so that we will agree to the violence that will be perpetrated in our name.

Jesus seems to have through the world with virtually no regard for these make-believe powers. When the Romans demanded taxes, he pulled a gold coin out of a fish’s mouth. He scoffed at Pilate’s empty boasts. On the Cross, His only regard was for His mother, his disciples, the guy next to Him and His Father. He is the Compass of our lives, pointing steadily to the only things that matter."

Of Kings and Things and What Matters

New Site: History for Atheists

(click the link)

This is my body, This is my blood..

A Dialogue on the Eucharist : An Ancient Christian and a Modern Christian

A Dialogue on the Eucharist

I AM THE PRODIGAL SON

Here is very cutting, Orthodox perspective on the parable which should be accessible to heterodox Christians, maybe even non-believers.

With God you can always go home.

WALK AWAY FROM THE SWINE WORLD - Fr. Jonathan Tobias

Bigotry

Bigotry is usually discussed in relation to group dynamics involving race or religion.

My impression is a bit more detailed. I looked to the online definition from Merriam Webster for help:

Full Definition of BIGOTRY 1 : the state of mind of a bigot 2 : acts or beliefs characteristic of a bigot

Uh, gee thanks.

Another source, Wordnik:

The attitude, state of mind, or behavior characteristic of a bigot; intolerance.

Ok, slightly more helpful, but intolerance of what? Anything?

If I don't tolerate rancid week old milk does that make me a bigot? 

From Answers.Yahoo.Com:

Bigotry: A bigot is a person who is intolerant of opinions, lifestyles, or identities differing from his or her own, and bigotry is the corresponding state of mind. Bigot is often used as a pejorative term against a person who is obstinately devoted to prejudices even when these views are challenged or proven to be false or not universally applicable or acceptable.

Hmmm.... So a mere challenge of my intolerance of anything makes it bigotry?  Just how are 'views' proven to be false?

I'm finding myself rather intolerant of what appeared, IMAO, to be modern revisions of word definitions.

So, I searched for "older definitions of bigotry form old dictionaries" Came up with a bunch of links about "racism". All our searches are belong to SJW's.

Online Oxford came up with this:

Intolerance towards those who hold different opinions from oneself: Ok, a bit more neutral.

Also from Oxford:

Origin Late 17th century: from bigot, reinforced by French bigoterie.

Links to: Bigot Origin Late 16th century (denoting a superstitious religious hypocrite): from French, of unknown origin.

The origin of "bigot" itself is inherently critical of religion, connecting it with hypocritical superstition. Sounds like 'bigot' was likely used as a slur against Christians, particularly Catholics, in France, but that is just an expression of my bigotry.

 My opinion?

Bigotry is fear or dislike of those different from us, and it is the natural, default human condition.

Those outside our tribe, clique, club etc. initially evoke fear or suspicion.

Is bigotry inherently dishonest?

No, not unless it is express with an air of intellectual superiority, as if you have some special inside knowledge about that which is not tolerated. Self deception is a possibility.

Lazy?

Could be. If I don't examine the reasons for my gut, bigoted reaction.

Cowardly? Definitely not if speaking to a hostile group. Could be posturing or name calling as a defense mechanism.

I don't know if Chesterton had bigotry in mind when he wrote this, but that's what I thought about when I read this:

 “A man is perfectly entitled to laugh at a thing because he happens to find it incomprehensible. What he has no right to do is to laugh at it as incomprehensible, and then criticize it as if he comprehended it. The very fact of its unfamiliarity and mystery ought to set him thinking about the deeper causes that make people so different from himself, and that without merely assuming that they must be inferior to himself. ~G.K. Chesterton: “What I Saw in America.”

Why Orthodox Christianity?

When I was inquiring into the Eastern Orthodox Church I wrote a dairy about my journey titled "Into The Abyss".   It was very much a stream of consciousness depending on what was on my mind and heart at the time, although it was edited a bit from time to time.

This article is an interview of another American convert to Orthodoxy who was also introduced to Christianity very young as a Southern Baptist.

He shares and expresses his similar experience with mine much better than I have been able to when asked "Why did you become Orthodox?".

"
I’d like to say I could give you two reasons, but I can really only give you one. The only reason a person should convert to Orthodoxy is because they believe it to be the “one holy, catholic, and apostolic Church” (as confessed in the Creed). Because they believe it to be the fullness of God (Eph. 1:23), the pillar and foundation of the truth (1 Tim. 3:15), and the temple of the living God (2 Cor. 6:16). Because they believe that there, in a unique and complete way, they can encounter and learn to become like Jesus Christ. Until or unless someone has that singular conviction, all other reasons—beautiful worship, a good grasp on Church history, the Church fathers, the chanting and hymnography, even (with a nod to Seinfeld and George Costanza) “the hats”—are merely icing on the cake. In fact, I have seen a lot of unfortunate and even spiritually tragic stories unfold, in which a person or family converts to Orthodoxy for all the wrong reasons."

Gabe Martini. From Baptist to Orthodox: My Journey of Faith

The Culture War Is Over

Keeping this blog alive as a link to others I find illuminating, entertaining, or informative is the best I can do for now.

The Culture War Is Over

Fate and Freedom

More from David.  I have not read his blog in a while, it looks like I've been missing some good stuff.

Fate And Freedom

Christ Is Risen !!

"Christ is risen from the dead, trampling down death by death, and upon those in the tombs bestowing life"

Voices of Paschal Joy

Saving A Democratic Man

Once more I am crushed and destroyed by the truth.

Saving A Democratic Man

Part 2...

Crap, what a depressing post that last one was.  I just couldn't leave it at the top, even if I don't have much new to write.

Writing inspired by pain and struggle might make good art for some, but too much of a bad thing really suks...heh..

Hopefully more later.....

Jealousy

Malcolm The Cynic recently posted about jealousy on his blog:  My Fatal Flaw.

What he wrote really struck a nerve with me.  Pride? Yes.  Lust?  Yes.  Selfishness?  Yes, but jealousy being at the root core of my sin?  Had not occurred to me until reading his raw, honest account of discovering the dark, green flow in his own soul.

And so it is here, with me, one of many heavy weights pulling me down.  Especially now, today, December 15th 2014.  It is the day after what should be a joyous anniversary, with loving exchanges of simple gifts, and and sharing happy smiles and playful glances.

But it's not.

In my late 30's my doctor diagnosed me with mild SAD: seasonal adjustment disorder.  From Fall to Spring I tend to fall into a funk.  The dark stays longer, temperatures cool, and most of the time I want to get away from everything and curl up in warm bed in a dark corner like a grouchy bear hibernating for the Winter.  It's been almost 3 years since my family was torn apart and my yearly struggle made even worse, at times feeling unbearable, and hopeless.

Facebook really adds to the hurt.  Every post of pictures, with smiling faces and happy families gathered around food, drinks, and presents just feel like knives digging deep into my back, pushing me down into a thick mire of regret, and bitter.......jealousy.

I long for what other's have, or at least appear to have.  I suspect there is an underlying sense of entitlement, somehow I should have and experience what they do. The fact that I'm painfully aware of the lives I've both earned and failed to earn doesn't help at all.

But today on Facebook someone posted a link to a broadcast of "Fresh Air" on NPR about a Punk Rock drummer from D.C. who made a profound and timely connection to ancient Christian (and some Muslim) music in Syria.  I found it to be sorrowful and hopeful.  Sorrow concerning the tragic fate of communities of faith being systematically uprooted and scattered, if not completely exterminated, and hopeful that God is showering grace and mercy upon them and miracles may await.  Although His instrument and servant of love is not armies or governments with treaties or wars, but a Yankee punk rocker on NPR.

I invite you to listen to the whole thing.  The first piece of music shared during the interview is a Muslim chant, but there are some examples of what may be the oldest existing Christian songs and chant later in the broadcast.

Before War, A Punk Drummer Preserved Syrian Chants

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TED Finds Religion

TED Talks on the local NPR station was discussing relative happiness when our minds wander.

The conclusion was people are happier when focused a some task at hand rather than when their minds were wandering.  Most of the time when our minds wander it is to unpleasant thoughts, like worry or anger about something.

This prompted some rather joyful giggling on my part.  Most religious monastic traditions have discovered this a very long time ago.  Mindfulness, living in the moment, capturing our thoughts with good things are common threads and themes.

The TED Talker also claimed that it didn't matter how significant or complicated the task in focus was, just focusing seemed to bring about more happiness.  He specifically used commuting as an example.

People expressed unhappiness with commuting, not because of the mindlessness or dreariness of the task, but rather with the tendency of the their minds to wander to even more unpleasant things.  People were happier when they focused on the task of driving and were able to control their wandering minds.

Our Orthodox tradition of The Jesus Prayer serves a similar purpose.  It focuses our minds and hearts on a simple, repetitive task, and constrains us from wandering our attention to other unpleasantness.  We also apply significance to the content of the prayer as a simple yet complete expression of repentance and salvation in Christ Jesus.

Ted Talk: Stay In The Moment

Who wil replace the ancient wizards?

As we long for a magical future where mysterious techno-elves somehow keep us connected, tweeting, air conditioned and mobile, as we leisurely collect our pay for being special snowflakes, and the ancient Wizards who built the foundations we tread upon so carelessly fade into the distance, where will their replacements come from?

The journey from savagery to our current civilization took centuries of blood, sweat, and dirty hands, but a collapse might only be a generation of decay and neglect away.................

....nah....don't worry, be happy, the road goes on forever and the party never ends......

The Work We Value

Reconsidering Empire

I've been an unapologetic, anti-empire hard case for a long time.  This thoughtful defense of an American Empire abroad as a stabilizing for (classical) liberal democracy and western civilization has given me some food for thought and further consideration.

Justification of the current meddling in and destabilization of Eastern Europe and the Middle East is still a dubious proposition in my opinion, but I am now keeping my eyes and ears open for evidence this is the case.

Why Empire